8 weeks to go until my middle daughter gets married. Yes it is my first one as a parent and as I sit back and watch all 4 females in the house go into melt down we are about to have a visit from "The Haidresser" who is going to do a "Trial" hairdo for the impending bride, bridesmaids, (well 2 of them the other one is in south east Queensland and 1500 kilometers away), mother of the bride etc. My hair dressing will consist of a Number 4 crew cut the morning of the wedding and possibly a beard trim if I feel up to it at the time. So what am I doing? I am retreating to the yard and start the weedeater and mower. I want absolutely nothing to do with the impending production which by all accounts and the rapidity of my skrinking bank balance will be as cost effective as the invasion of Europe in WWII, well maybe not quite that much but not far short of it.
I understand table cloths and napkins, dinnerware has been selected, the chairs are 'ugly' (this is a deliberate ploy by the venue. The chairs are, well chairs and quite servicable as they are but they are painted white so who in their right mind would want white chairs at a wedding reception?)so they are going to be covered for some reason at $5.00 a chair with a white chair burqa, and this morning my wife is once again making candles before the hair destroyer sorry hair dresser arrives. I understand that she wants to have something hand crafted on the tables as decorations, I really do. But when you buy 25gs of wax, a litre of scent (which i think is modelled on a particularly nasty urinal block circa 1954 from Queensland Government Railways she assures me it is Magnolia/Lavender but what would I know), moulds, thermomemeter, double boiler, wicks, wick stands etc etc all for a canle which is 75mm in diametre stand 30 cm high and will probably burn for 72 hours and will sit on the table casting it's foul scent for about 5 minutes before some bloke gets the shits with it and blows it out. So far she has made 7 of the 10 'she' needs. This along with menu selection, the car selections, hand made Save the Date and Invitations, buying of dresses for teh mother of teh bride, new jewllery, shoes, hand bag, make up 'trial' etc etc etc and I get a new shirt and tie and socks.
The looming Bucks Night and Hens Night. Aah the Bucks Night. I will be running security. No mobile phones, cameras, etc to take embarrasing photos of the Groom and all car keys confiscated before entry and where myself and the other older males will quietly complete a fade away around 9.30PM before the strippers arrive and I can say quite honestly that we saw NO strippers at the party. We will come back to my place for a late BBQ supper and copious quantities of Bundy. Busses have been organised to pick up the Bucks party and Hens Party at 10.30PM for the bar hopping session. He is a sensible lad and is having the Bucks party 2 weeks before the wedding. This might not allow his eyebrows to grow back in time but at least the Texta tattoos should have scrubbed off by then.
Well must away they have started to arrive and I feel teh hackles on my back hair starting to rise, which is a sure sign of impending doom. Aah where is my shed keys??????